Airing my dirty secrets, including my 50 shades of rage

Alright I have some dirty secrets to air. Well, just two…but I think I’ll feel a lot better if I can just get these secrets off my chest and let the whole world know about them. Or at least the 5 people who read this blog.

Hmm…which one should I begin with…?

Ok, secret numero uno:

After all the hype I’ve been hearing about this phenomenal book that’s been breaking literary charts all over the world, I finally caved and joined the masses. Know which book I’m talking about? Ya…the saucy 50 Shades of Grey.  It was actually after I read an article about a boyfriend being so angry that his girlfriend was reading such a perverted book, that he assaulted her with brown sauce, that I decided to see if the book really was worth attacking someone over reading it. Apparently this dude purposely went over to his girlfriend’s house with a bottle of sauce with every intention of squirting her to “show her what saucy really meant”. Here’s the article if you want to read it…it’s pretty entertaining.

Boyfriend squirted partner with brown sauce when she refused to stop reading Fifty Shades of Grey

That’s when I made the decision to make my next Kindle download purchase (the first one since The Hunger Games trilogy). I bought it Tuesday night and the timing couldn’t have been any better. I had a business trip the next day to beautiful and trip-worthy Bolton (there may be a very slight bit of sarcasm oozing out here) and it was the novel that saved me from what could’ve been a potentially extremely boring 10 hrs of travelling…to meet up with my client for 45 minutes.

So what’s there to say about it? Well, I guess the content is a step-up from the Danielle Steele books I used to read. Umm…would I say it’s good quality writing? Not so much. I’m a person who likes to connect with the protagonist in the novel…I love getting wrapped up in a good read and being brought into their world. I love reads where I can’t tear myself away from the book, where I find myself holding my breath, eager to flip the next page and am severely disappointed when I reach that final last page of the book. Can’t say 50 Shades has done that for me. Once I got over the initial shock factor (yes, there were some jaw-dropping, eye-opening moments in the book) the rest of the novel just seemed to go on forever. I still have 10% more to read but I don’t know how much more “laters, baby”, “inner goddess” and “I love him…I can’t tell him…what do I do?…he’s so handsome…I love him…what’s wrong with me?” I can take. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

That being said, I do know there are two more books left and I wouldn’t be too surprised if I did read the rest of the trilogy. Doing anything otherwise would be like having unfinished business, like leaving food on a plate. And no matter how much I may not like the dish there’s no way I can’t eat it.

The book’s causing some outrage because, apparently, men (I think these are very conservative and traditional men) are furious that women feel comfortable reading the book out in public and equate it to guys reading porn, which I think is RIDICULOUS. They claim men are more visual (hence the graphic porn) and women are more mental (as in mind-stimulated, not crazy…), and therefore think that women are basically sexually gratifying themselves in public. Come on, are you serious?

The one thing I have enjoyed is that my vocab has been expanded:

  • Mollified– placate, pacify, appease, calm, soothe

“I’d never do anything I didn’t want to do, Christian”. And as I say the words, I don’t quite feel their conviction because at this moment in time I’d probably do anything for this man seated beside me. But this does the trick. He’s mollified.”

  • Debasement– humiliation, degradation, disgrace, shame, dishonour

“If there are only 2 choices I’ll take the debasement”

  • Predilection-fondness, liking, preference, penchant, taste, weakness

“Does your family know about your predilection?”

  • Priapic– of, relating to, or resembling a phallus. Of or relating to male sexuality and sexual activity

“I’m not a priapic monster”

  • Sagacity– level-headedness, rationality, shrewdness, wisdom, prudence, judiciousness

“Sagacity from one so young”

  • Concupiscent– a strong desire, especially sexual desire

“I thought I had a more concupiscent effect on you”

So that’s secret numero uno outed. Brace yourself for secret numero duo…

Today…I…ok, this is really hard. *Deep breath*. Today…I…(I’m deciding now whether I really want to tell you this or not). Ok. Today…I…went to a gym class…called…(imagine me saying the next word in the most feeble voice ever, like a dog with his tail between his legs) Cheerobics.

Are you done laughing? Thanks.

One of my friends asked me if I wanted to go and that it’d be a great workout. I thought about it and decided “sure, why not!?”. I love Zumba and thought Cheerobics might be along the same lines…a hardcore workout with a girly twist. How wrong was I…I went into the class and was then told to pick which pom poms I’d like to use. I had a choice of white, purple, or black. I chose black. We practiced a routine, which included a lot of grapevines, jumping, and smiling. I’m still trying to tune out the instructor’s high pitched scream “Bounce, girls!!! Bounce!!! Pom poms in the air…BOUNCE!!!”

I think I’m fine accepting the fact that I’ll never be a Sweet Valley High kinda girl. After all these years of living I’ve found my place in the world, and while I’m no Wednesday Addams/Bella Swan (I hope), I’m definitely not an Elle Woods girl either. There’s another Cheerobics session going on next week. Unfortunately, I’ll be in France so I won’t be able to attend…gosh darn it!!!! *BIG SMILE*


5 thoughts on “Airing my dirty secrets, including my 50 shades of rage

  1. Ok first off I was sitting in my bathroom and instead of a good readers digest book I decided to read your blog. Probably not something you wanted to hear. Anyways I was laughing out loud when you talked about the Cheerios class! Picturing you doing this madey day so thank you. As for te book I am starting the second one and actually am only interested to finish it to see what the deal is with this Christian guy. Why is he messed up!
    I was also outraged about the article you posted about the sauce guy. Seriously? Wow

    • haha I’m glad to hear my blog makes for a good s*** read 😛 And I’m also happy to hear my discomfort made your day!! FYI I haven’t been back’s just a little to…peppy for my liking….

      Ugh, we know why he’s messed up. His mother starved him, burned him, treated him rotten and he learned how to gain control of his life again because of miss. cougar blah lbahblhablhablhablhblhah. I just finished reading The Help…now that was a book I enjoyed reading!

  2. Oh man, can’t believe you wrote this 10 days ago and I totally missed it!!!
    Okay, so Cheerobics, seriously? I can see how you could have been deceived….but honestly, it sounds awful…I’m still unable to do Zumba because I associate it with being a “mom” class.

    As for secret #1, I must admit I actually read the book. I swore I wouldn’t, but after doing so much reading related to the baby I wanted a change of pace. Also, I was (a) curious about all the fascination with this book, and (b) the book was actually available at the library (so no financial commitment was necessary). I definitely found myself looking up certain words, as it looks you did, but otherwise the first book was not at all what I expected and I never thought I’d read the other two. But (of course) I did (via FastRead at the library) and I must tell you that the other two books were very different…..a lot less of the shock factor and kinky, dominant business and more of a love story interwined with a drama/mystery/crime. The other books also start to unravel little by little why Grey is the way he is, so a deep look into his childhood. Overall, I was highly disappointed with this series, not my knd of read at all, but at least the last two books had a different change of pace. Let me know what you think…I know you will read them.

    • Zumba’s awesome!! Don’t rule it out yet…I went to a class today and I think there was actually only about 2 women there that were 35+…
      Ugh, I don’t want to read the remaining two but I know I will… :(

  3. AHAHAHHAHA i saw the cheerobics thing on your fb. definitely LOLed in the office while reading the last section of this post, and LOLed even louder when i creeped your fb page and saw the comment. you have a beautiful smile, so SMILE :)

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